I have no idea where the time has gone. Top surgery is literally tomorrow. The past few weeks have been so busy, I completely neglected posting anything. On top of being busy, I realized yesterday that I was avoided posting for a reason, too. Not only haven’t I posted, but I haven’t really been reading any blogs or looking at anything trans-related. I ended up completely avoiding anything trans-related because it just hit too close to home. Once the top surgery countdown was under one month, I got progressively nervous. All I wanted to do was to avoid thoughts around being trans, the surgery, the reports of violence against those in the trans community, etc. I also knew that nothing would take away this nervousness except for being post-op, so I did the best I could to avoid it. Which, unfortunately, meant passively avoiding anything trans-related. However, now that the surgery is literally less than 12 hours away, I’m okay with confronting my anxiety because in less than a day it will be all over.
Now that I’m finally allowing myself to feel my anxiety and nerves surround the surgery, I’m scared. Not so much for the actual procedure and recovery but rather for how my life will, or could, change. How will the people I know and love react to the new me? How will strangers react to me on the street? Will women hold their purses tighter as I walk by? Will my lack of sociological and culturally learned gender rules out me as an “other?” Some of my fears are realistic, others, such as the threat of violence, are a bit less likely to happen. However I’m still scared. I have absolutely no idea how my life will change (I’m assuming it will be for the better), but that terrifies me. All I know is that after tomorrow’s surgery, I will never be looked at the same again.
On another note (for those who I know [or perhaps not know too, if you’re interested]), I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow (well, today, it is past midnight) at 9:00 am, have to be at the hospital at 10:30 am, and then the surgery time is at 12:30 pm. I plan to be done by around 4:00 pm-ish, and hopefully will be in my recovery room for the night sometime thereafter. I have my bag packed, my mom and Alex are ready to be by my side, and I’ve received many good lucks and well-wishes from friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances. Depending on how everything goes, I might be able to post a quick twitter/facebook update indicating that I’m alive and well, and if I don’t, you can get in touch with Alex to see how it went.
I want to make a point to thank each and every one of you for your love and support. When I made the decision to truly begin this journey months ago, I was scared. I still am scared because I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I can say that going through this process with the support of you all has truly been a blessing. T-minus less than 12 hours and counting…
Alex and I went away last weekend (to escape the Arizona “heat”) and here are some of my last EVER pics pre-op…
Posted on November 21, 2011, in General transition thoughts, Surgery and tagged arizona, female to male, ftm, gender, gender expression, gender identity, surgery, top surgery, trans, transgender. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.