I Know It Gets Better, But…
I’ve been feeling really down and just kind of sorry for myself as of late. Yeah, this is probably going to be one of those posts. So fair warning if you want to stop reading now, I guess. For those of you out there who are going through similar things, I’m sure you’ve felt the same way or at least similarly. You just want the physical changes to have happened yesterday, along with the emotional and mental changes that come along with the process of a physical transition. Time can’t move quickly enough to get to that doctor’s appointment, or the surgery date, or that next shot of hormones.
I know I’m on the right path to make the changes that I want to happen, but it just feels like it’s taking way too long. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night for the past few days. I pretty much hate myself and just have felt a bit hopeless that this situation will never get better. I hate feeling sorry for myself and having that “woe-is-me” mindset, but as of late, I just can’t help it. During the day when I’m at work, I’m okay. My mind is somewhat occupied by my job and my to-do list. After work, I’m also okay. I go to the gym, swim, read, or partake in my new latest obsession: crafting (more on that during a happy post, if y’all are interested). Those things keep me mentally and physically occupied for at least an hour after work, typically two. But after that? Bad news. When I start to wind down and relax for the night, everything just kind of hits me. I’m not distracted anymore and the thoughts of transitioning and how much I absolutely hate myself in this current state hit me full force. So I try to avoid those thoughts so I can avoid feeling sorry for myself, or worse, completely hopeless about, well, everything. In my logical mind I know that this transition thing is just a long drawn-out process and I’m doing all that I can to make it move as quickly as it can, but in the moment when I’m feeling emotional, I’m usually (very) illogical.
As of late, I’ve kind of been bemoaning the fact that I have no actual friends who really understand what transitioning is like, especially mentally. Or really, how agonizing it is while you’re waiting to physically transition. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great partner who is transitioning, and some incredibly supportive friends and acquaintances (some of whom are a part of the LGBTQ community, some of whom are not), but honestly, when it comes down to those nights where I’m crying in bed, none of that matters. I’m not really sure how to go about making these friends, either. There’s a decent LGBTQ community where I am, but I’m not really involved…mainly because being involved overall isn’t really my thing, I guess. I know there have to be others out there who are like me, but they’re obviously not crawling out from the woodwork announcing their presence. I’ve thought about making contact with groups or people who I’ve heard of here or there, but honestly, I’m too nervous, especially because I haven’t started any kind of actual transition—I don’t feel like a real ftm yet. But what I really want isn’t that—I’d rather have a friend or two who I can just chill with at a coffee shop, or bookstore, or play video games with—just typical friends stuff. And I’m not sure exactly how I should go about that, especially because for those of you who know me, I “hate people.” I do say that (somewhat) in jest, but in actuality, I’m not a huge fan of many people. Most likely because I feel like I have real serious issues in my head and I don’t want to listen to them complain about what seem like mundane things. I realize I sound terribly stuck up and selfish, but I think I just really need somebody who gets me, who gets what I’m going through. I know eventually it could or will come depending on whether or not I’m willing to take some risks here or there. But that’s a big if.
Sometimes the only thing that works to get me out of my slump and depressed-ness is to let some of the emotion out, which is something I’m not really fond of doing. But I’ve found that I have a short playlist of go-to songs to help with that, two of which are below. You might interpret them differently, but I find that when I really listen to them, and let my head and my heart go a bit, I’m allowed a little bit of release…just enough to be able to tell myself that I can get through this moment, and tomorrow is yet another day closer. I just want to get this ball rolling. ASAP.
“Nightminds” by Missy Higgins
“Gravity” by Sara Bareilles
Posted on August 2, 2011, in General transition thoughts and tagged depression, female to male, ftm, gender, gender expression, gender identity, glbtq, lgbtq, transgender. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.