I Know It Gets Better, But…

I’ve been feeling really down and just kind of sorry for myself as of late.  Yeah, this is probably going to be one of those posts.  So fair warning if you want to stop reading now, I guess.  For those of you out there who are going through similar things, I’m sure you’ve felt the same way or at least similarly.  You just want the physical changes to have happened yesterday, along with the emotional and mental changes that come along with the process of a physical transition.  Time can’t move quickly enough to get to that doctor’s appointment, or the surgery date, or that next shot of hormones.

I know I’m on the right path to make the changes that I want to happen, but it just feels like it’s taking way too long.  I’ve cried myself to sleep every night for the past few days.  I pretty much hate myself and just have felt a bit hopeless that this situation will never get better.  I hate feeling sorry for myself and having that “woe-is-me” mindset, but as of late, I just can’t help it.  During the day when I’m at work, I’m okay.  My mind is somewhat occupied by my job and my to-do list.  After work, I’m also okay.  I go to the gym, swim, read, or partake in my new latest obsession: crafting (more on that during a happy post, if y’all are interested).  Those things keep me mentally and physically occupied for at least an hour after work, typically two.  But after that?  Bad news.  When I start to wind down and relax for the night, everything just kind of hits me.  I’m not distracted anymore and the thoughts of transitioning and how much I absolutely hate myself in this current state hit me full force.  So I try to avoid those thoughts so I can avoid feeling sorry for myself, or worse, completely hopeless about, well, everything.  In my logical mind I know that this transition thing is just a long drawn-out process and I’m doing all that I can to make it move as quickly as it can, but in the moment when I’m feeling emotional, I’m usually (very) illogical.

As of late, I’ve kind of been bemoaning the fact that I have no actual friends who really understand what transitioning is like, especially mentally.  Or really, how agonizing it is while you’re waiting to physically transition.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a great partner who is transitioning, and some incredibly supportive friends and acquaintances (some of whom are a part of the LGBTQ community, some of whom are not), but honestly, when it comes down to those nights where I’m crying in bed, none of that matters.  I’m not really sure how to go about making these friends, either.  There’s a decent LGBTQ community where I am, but I’m not really involved…mainly because being involved overall isn’t really my thing, I guess.  I know there have to be others out there who are like me, but they’re obviously not crawling out from the woodwork announcing their presence.  I’ve thought about making contact with groups or people who I’ve heard of here or there, but honestly, I’m too nervous, especially because I haven’t started any kind of actual transition—I don’t feel like a real ftm yet.  But what I really want isn’t that—I’d rather have a friend or two who I can just chill with at a coffee shop, or bookstore, or play video games with—just typical friends stuff.  And I’m not sure exactly how I should go about that, especially because for those of you who know me, I “hate people.”  I do say that (somewhat) in jest, but in actuality, I’m not a huge fan of many people.  Most likely because I feel like I have real serious issues in my head and I don’t want to listen to them complain about what seem like mundane things.  I realize I sound terribly stuck up and selfish, but I think I just really need somebody who gets me, who gets what I’m going through.  I know eventually it could or will come depending on whether or not I’m willing to take some risks here or there.  But that’s a big if.

Sometimes the only thing that works to get me out of my slump and depressed-ness is to let some of the emotion out, which is something I’m not really fond of doing.  But I’ve found that I have a short playlist of go-to songs to help with that, two of which are below.  You might interpret them differently, but I find that when I really listen to them, and let my head and my heart go a bit, I’m allowed a little bit of release…just enough to be able to tell myself that I can get through this moment, and tomorrow is yet another day closer.  I just want to get this ball rolling.  ASAP.

 

“Nightminds” by Missy Higgins

 

“Gravity” by Sara Bareilles

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Posted on August 2, 2011, in General transition thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I understand not wanting to let the feelings out…but holding them in is part of what gives them their power. Yes, it is lovely to have people who truly understand what you’re going through, but half the battle sometimes is letting the scary evil feelings see the light of day once in a while. And people who care about you, even if they don’t understand everything perfectly, love you all the same, and there can be comfort in that too. I know it sounds trite, but I almost always find that the harder I try not to feel something, or to hide it, the more power it has over me.
    And yes, the loneliness the comes from not being quite understood is acute and pretty painful, and doesn’t, unfortunately make a whole lot of logical sense. So all the logical things I could tell you probably don’t help, like: you are not alone, and the time will come eventually, etc. Because the goddamn feelings aren’t rational, as much as you probably wish they were.
    Maybe the best I can offer you, is that I hear you. And I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now.

  2. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I go in cycles. Sometimes I am up and everything is groovy and then the valley hits and I am a lost cause. I get depressed as hell and then I don’t want anything to do with anyone, which defeats the purpose of having those friends.

    Letting the emotions out is healthy. Even in small amounts, the release of built up emotions is so therapeutic. Start small, if you need to. Come home and when you feel everything piling up, bury your face in a pillow and start letting out the loudest yells you have ever produced. The pillow is just to save the neighbors from wondering what’s going on and calling the cops. We are animalistic and to revert back to our ancestry is amazing!!!!! And it is a yell from the gut. A yell fro the deepest and darkest parts of your body. (just think about the fact that Curt Smith and Ryan Orzabal met in a primal scream therapy group and went on to have a hit song called SHOUT as Tears For Fears–that song says a lot if you listen to the lyrics)

    If I lived in Arizona, or even close enough to hang out, I would totally be that friend for you. I listen, dole out advice and am constantly there for my friends (who have gone through all sorts of shit and open up to me about it). I’ve received calls at midnight to go get a drink because something “is up”.

    Your emotions can get the beset of you if you allow them to. Find the best music you can that helps (for me it’s either RUSH or DEPECHE MODE to feel better or RAMSTEIN or ROB ZOMBIE to get even angrier and explode). Even your blog can be the outlet for these emotions, but still, nothing beats a gutteral howl. 😉

    • For whatever reason, I’m letting some out now because I just can’t stop tearing after reading this lol. Sometimes I just feel like a hot mess. Thanks for the music reco’s.

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