Is It August 31st Yet?

I feel like the past week has been full of everything and nothing.  There haven’t been any major breakthroughs, events, or news to report, but at the same time, I’ve come out to a few more people (my younger brother, one of my best friends from high school, and one of my former professors who I talk to regularly) and have been feeling more and more impatient.  I think the “everything” is just the swirling mess in my head.  I have another 4 ½ weeks until my top surgery consult, and I’m slowly becoming more paranoid about it (because I want it to go well—I want a surgery date by the end of that appointment!).  What if the doctor says he can’t do the surgery until I lose weight?  What if he doesn’t have any open dates until next year, or even further away?  What if there’s something so wrong with me that he just can’t do it?  (Okay, that one is a bit much, but you can see where the circles of fear, obsession, and despair are leading me!)

Over the past week I’ve been feeling quite a bit dysthymic (is that a word?  I don’t know, but it comes from dysthymia) and despondent for no apparent reason, and frankly, it sucks.  I’ve had little to no motivation to do much of anything—I don’t want to watch TV, don’t want to read, don’t want to go to the gym, etc.  Having diagnosed depression and anxiety for many, many years, that lack of interest in things worries me—I know the signs of real depression all too well.  I’m trying to remain positive when it comes to feeling “blah” and remind myself that it’s most likely due to these gender issues circling in my head and feeling so impatient with the process.  It’s like I’m trapped in my head, being my own prisoner.

As for coming out, all went smoothly, I think.  I realized that pretty much from here on out, each time I come out to somebody, the stakes are a bit higher.  I’ve already come out to the people I knew would be incredibly supportive, so I’ve found myself telling a few people who I thought would be supportive, but weren’t 100% sure about (it turns out they all were).  Coming out to my brother was actually done by my mother, somewhat out of concern.  I had texted my brother during the day while he was at work, saying I had something important to tell him.  He said he would call me that evening, but never did…instead he called my mom, saying he was worried about me and was I okay?  So she told him and he texted me saying it was no big deal.  Phew (even though why he didn’t call me instead is mind-boggling).

Coming out to one of my best friends from high school was just petrifying.  She’s always been incredibly supportive of me being gay, but well… “having a sex change,” as she put it, is something different.  I was super awkward on the phone and was having trouble getting the words out, when she blurted out, “Are you getting a sex change??” somewhat in jest.  My silence indicated that she hit the nail on the head, and I was out.  I think she took it well (not sure if she was really not surprised or if she hid her surprise well), but by the end of our conversation, we were joking around about a new name for me (she wants me to go by Stan so she can call me “Stan the Man.”  Oh HELL no!)  Phew again.

Coming out to my old professor went just fine, as I knew it would (she’s a great ally of the LGBTQ community).  However, the issue is this:  she is best friends with a woman who works with me (this woman is above me, but not my direct supervisor).  This woman is also a great ally, so I have no fear in telling her…I just told myself I wouldn’t tell any of my coworkers until I have a surgery date.  Yet like a fool, this morning, we were chatting about our weekends and she mentioned that her friend told her that she had chatted with me over lunch last week.  So I asked if this friend had mentioned anything personal about me and my coworker said no, but that she was seeing this friend today for lunch.  I tried to keep my nervous excitement at bay but ending up saying that if the friend didn’t end up saying anything to my coworker, I would just tell her myself.  So I may be coming out to a coworker  in the near future.  Phew?

Probably my all-time favorite pattern

I think more than anything I just want to get this transition ball rolling.  It’s almost like I have to force myself not to think about it during the day because it’s too depressing to sit around and bemoan the fact that I have a female body.  It got to the point this morning where I opened an email from Old Navy (they were advertising their new fall clothes, even though it’s over 100 degrees where I am and will be through September), clicked on the “men” link, saw these new clothes in their geometric prints (aka argyle), crisp lines, and clean bold colors, and started to cry.  I wanted them, damn it.  But with a female body, especially large breasts and hips, it isn’t that simple.  Men’s clothes don’t really fit my body, at least not in the way they’re supposed to.  I cannot wait until the day comes where I can walk into a store and buy whatever I want.  That day will, hopefully, come soon.  Until then, all I can do is bide my time.

Posted on July 26, 2011, in General transition thoughts, Transitioning at work and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. “Stan the Man” — funny! Glad she had a great attitude about it.

    Yay on you for upping the stakes… And I’d feel out of sorts too, if it were 100+ degress out. Is the heat breaking for you? I hear it is in some places.

    Out here it’s grey and in the low ’60s. It’s depressing in its own way.

    Thinking of you.

    • How I wish the heat was breaking. Where I am in AZ it’s routinely 100+ here for all of the summer months. Doesn’t really truly cool off until mid-October. Grey and chilly sounds marvelous lol, but when I was living on the east coast I hated it. Hope you’re doing well 🙂

  2. Fantastic writing here!! My biggest hurdle will be telling my best guy friend, which I have blogged about and will do so again, when I tell him.

    I love the courage you are showing, even though it is wrapped in doubts and fears. Those are all too familiar.

    I never thought about the F2M body shape dilemma. Now I am thinking, “But of course!!”.

    I am also going through the exact same thing, currently, with not wanting to DO anything or GO anywhere. I want to just curl up on my bed, possibly pet the cats, and be left alone until I can snap out of it. I usually come around, but this time it has been going on for a number of weeks. Not Cool!

    Thank you so much for sharing!! For the record, in Indiana, we are experiencing 90-98 degrees with humidity WAY beyond that of normal levels, and then heat indexes in the 110 range or so. As soon as I walk outside, I am soaked and disgusting. (heat and humidity are also probably contributing to the “mood” I’m in—-ugh I hate Indiana!!!).

    • Thank you! 🙂

      So funny about not thinking about the f2m body shape stuff because in my head I’m thinking m2f’s have it so much easier! Frankly, it sucks and is difficult for both of us, without a doubt. I can only imagine some of the peskier mtf issues. I hear you about the cats (we have a few), they usually make me happier…except when they’re off doing their own thing, which is frequently, instead of cuddling with me, I get resentful and get even more woe-is-me lol. And I sure feel for you with that heat. At least in AZ we have dry heat…granted heat is still heat, but it takes me a few minutes to start sweating instead of instantaneously ;-). Stay cool!

  3. Love ur share. I love love love boy clothes and totally get what ur saying about the female body. I wish I could wear all means clothes all the time. However when u have a chest as big as mine they just don’t look the way they are suppose to. Thank gawd in az u can wear cargo shorts and t shirts all year round :0).

    Im so glad you have chosen to voice your feelings on here. Its a great way to just talk things out instead of keeping it all in. I know my meeting deffinately help me and when I don’t go to them and speak what’s going on with me I slowly turn into a mess.

    The heat is making me lazy as ever this year. Our humidity is no joke for AZ and apparently all over the US is hot as hail. Hang in there buddy you will make it through the heat, you can totally get that sweater for the winter it will look awesome on you.

    You posted how people u thought would freak out didn’t and those that you haven’t told might. I think that no matter what u will find your true life and friends at the end of this. I love ya to death even if you name yourself “Stan” :0) LOL

    Can’t wait to see u both!


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