Is It August 31st Yet?
I feel like the past week has been full of everything and nothing. There haven’t been any major breakthroughs, events, or news to report, but at the same time, I’ve come out to a few more people (my younger brother, one of my best friends from high school, and one of my former professors who I talk to regularly) and have been feeling more and more impatient. I think the “everything” is just the swirling mess in my head. I have another 4 ½ weeks until my top surgery consult, and I’m slowly becoming more paranoid about it (because I want it to go well—I want a surgery date by the end of that appointment!). What if the doctor says he can’t do the surgery until I lose weight? What if he doesn’t have any open dates until next year, or even further away? What if there’s something so wrong with me that he just can’t do it? (Okay, that one is a bit much, but you can see where the circles of fear, obsession, and despair are leading me!)
Over the past week I’ve been feeling quite a bit dysthymic (is that a word? I don’t know, but it comes from dysthymia) and despondent for no apparent reason, and frankly, it sucks. I’ve had little to no motivation to do much of anything—I don’t want to watch TV, don’t want to read, don’t want to go to the gym, etc. Having diagnosed depression and anxiety for many, many years, that lack of interest in things worries me—I know the signs of real depression all too well. I’m trying to remain positive when it comes to feeling “blah” and remind myself that it’s most likely due to these gender issues circling in my head and feeling so impatient with the process. It’s like I’m trapped in my head, being my own prisoner.
As for coming out, all went smoothly, I think. I realized that pretty much from here on out, each time I come out to somebody, the stakes are a bit higher. I’ve already come out to the people I knew would be incredibly supportive, so I’ve found myself telling a few people who I thought would be supportive, but weren’t 100% sure about (it turns out they all were). Coming out to my brother was actually done by my mother, somewhat out of concern. I had texted my brother during the day while he was at work, saying I had something important to tell him. He said he would call me that evening, but never did…instead he called my mom, saying he was worried about me and was I okay? So she told him and he texted me saying it was no big deal. Phew (even though why he didn’t call me instead is mind-boggling).
Coming out to one of my best friends from high school was just petrifying. She’s always been incredibly supportive of me being gay, but well… “having a sex change,” as she put it, is something different. I was super awkward on the phone and was having trouble getting the words out, when she blurted out, “Are you getting a sex change??” somewhat in jest. My silence indicated that she hit the nail on the head, and I was out. I think she took it well (not sure if she was really not surprised or if she hid her surprise well), but by the end of our conversation, we were joking around about a new name for me (she wants me to go by Stan so she can call me “Stan the Man.” Oh HELL no!) Phew again.
Coming out to my old professor went just fine, as I knew it would (she’s a great ally of the LGBTQ community). However, the issue is this: she is best friends with a woman who works with me (this woman is above me, but not my direct supervisor). This woman is also a great ally, so I have no fear in telling her…I just told myself I wouldn’t tell any of my coworkers until I have a surgery date. Yet like a fool, this morning, we were chatting about our weekends and she mentioned that her friend told her that she had chatted with me over lunch last week. So I asked if this friend had mentioned anything personal about me and my coworker said no, but that she was seeing this friend today for lunch. I tried to keep my nervous excitement at bay but ending up saying that if the friend didn’t end up saying anything to my coworker, I would just tell her myself. So I may be coming out to a coworker in the near future. Phew?
I think more than anything I just want to get this transition ball rolling. It’s almost like I have to force myself not to think about it during the day because it’s too depressing to sit around and bemoan the fact that I have a female body. It got to the point this morning where I opened an email from Old Navy (they were advertising their new fall clothes, even though it’s over 100 degrees where I am and will be through September), clicked on the “men” link, saw these new clothes in their geometric prints (aka argyle), crisp lines, and clean bold colors, and started to cry. I wanted them, damn it. But with a female body, especially large breasts and hips, it isn’t that simple. Men’s clothes don’t really fit my body, at least not in the way they’re supposed to. I cannot wait until the day comes where I can walk into a store and buy whatever I want. That day will, hopefully, come soon. Until then, all I can do is bide my time.
Posted on July 26, 2011, in General transition thoughts, Transitioning at work and tagged clothing, coming out, depression, female to male, ftm, gender, gender expression, gender identity, glbtq, lgbtq, transgender. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.