(Almost) Spilling the Beans
Over the past few weeks, when I’m at work, I’ve been feeling like I’m going to explode. I’m fully out as gay and people know about my partner, but not a single soul knows about this transition. I’ve been waiting to come out to my coworkers and boss until I have a surgery date, or at least until after my surgery consult. I feel that it’s better to wait until I know for a fact the surgery is 100% going to happen rather than tell everybody but keep presenting as a female if for some odd reason the surgery won’t happen. So I’m looking at another 6 weeks or so. And it’s killing me.
I literally feel like a ball of energy, or like numerous tiny balls of energy are ping-ponging inside of me, vying to escape, with my feet constantly twitching, fingers silently drumming, legs bobbing up and down—all day, for the 9 hours I’m trapped at my desk. For those of you who don’t know me, I work an 8-5 desk job with almost no interaction with people save for a coworker or two, and 99% of my work is done on a computer. Combine that with my ADHD, and the fact that I’m harboring a huge secret that just needs to get out, work has been somewhat unbearable as of late. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but sometimes I feel like I’m going to burst.
And this past week I almost did. There’s a coworker of mine whose office is immediately next to me and she’s incredibly GLBTQ-friendly, and we chat frequently about personal things–her boyfriend, my partner, school, gay marriage, etc. There were several times where, on a whim, I almost outed myself. And it wasn’t until after the moment passed that I realized what I had almost done, and I simultaneously broke out into a nervous panicked sweat and felt a calm wave of excitement pass over me.
The second occurrence where I almost came out could have been a bit more drastic: our entire office staff (about ten people) went out to a restaurant for lunch to celebrate a coworker’s birthday. I was sitting near the head of a long table and while waiting for our food to be served, out of the blue had visions of standing up and just announcing myself to the whole group. For those who don’t know me, this is incredibly uncharacteristic of me. Usually I’m quite reserved, almost to the point of being painfully awkward or shy. But even so, it felt so incredibly tempting to do. Of course I didn’t, but with these recent urgings, I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to wait until after my surgery consult to spill the beans.
On another note, for those who are transitioning in the workplace, Ryan Sallans, an FtM public speaker, did a good video blog recently about the beginning steps one can and should take. Even though some of the information he spoke about wasn’t fully new to me, he did bring up some really good points and things to think about during a workplace transition. With his permission, I repost it here:
Posted on July 17, 2011, in General transition thoughts, Transitioning at work and tagged female to male, ftm, gender, gender identity, glbtq, lgbtq, trans, transgender, workplace, workplace transition. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.