(Almost) Spilling the Beans

Over the past few weeks, when I’m at work, I’ve been feeling like I’m going to explode.  I’m fully out as gay and people know about my partner, but not a single soul knows about this transition.  I’ve been waiting to come out to my coworkers and boss until I have a surgery date, or at least until after my surgery consult.  I feel that it’s better to wait until I know for a fact the surgery is 100% going to happen rather than tell everybody but keep presenting as a female if for some odd reason the surgery won’t happen.  So I’m looking at another 6 weeks or so.  And it’s killing me.

How I typically feel at work

I literally feel like a ball of energy, or like numerous tiny balls of energy are ping-ponging inside of me, vying to escape, with my feet constantly twitching, fingers silently drumming, legs bobbing up and down—all day, for the 9 hours I’m trapped at my desk.  For those of you who don’t know me, I work an 8-5 desk job with almost no interaction with people save for a coworker or two, and 99% of my work is done on a computer.  Combine that with my ADHD, and the fact that I’m harboring a huge secret that just needs to get out, work has been somewhat unbearable as of late.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but sometimes I feel like I’m going to burst.

And this past week I almost did.  There’s a coworker of mine whose office is immediately next to me and she’s incredibly GLBTQ-friendly, and we chat frequently about personal things–her boyfriend, my partner, school, gay marriage, etc.  There were several times where, on a whim, I almost outed myself.  And it wasn’t until after the moment passed that I realized what I had almost done, and I simultaneously broke out into a nervous panicked sweat and felt a calm wave of excitement pass over me.

How I want to feel--at work and in general

The second occurrence where I almost came out could have been a bit more drastic: our entire office staff (about ten people) went out to a restaurant for lunch to celebrate a coworker’s birthday.  I was sitting near the head of a long table and while waiting for our food to be served, out of the blue had visions of standing up and just announcing myself to the whole group.  For those who don’t know me, this is incredibly uncharacteristic of me.  Usually I’m quite reserved, almost to the point of being painfully awkward or shy.  But even so, it felt so incredibly tempting to do.  Of course I didn’t, but with these recent urgings, I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to wait until after my surgery consult to spill the beans.


On another note, for those who are transitioning in the workplace, Ryan Sallans, an FtM public speaker, did a good video blog recently about the beginning steps one can and should take.  Even though some of the information he spoke about wasn’t fully new to me, he did bring up some really good points and things to think about during a workplace transition.  With his permission, I repost it here:

Posted on July 17, 2011, in General transition thoughts, Transitioning at work and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Great post! I know how you feel. Exactly. For me, my biggest step will be telling my best guy friend. I have these visions of just saying it and see how it all plays out. I have almost told him on numerous occasions but something always interrupts. I always wanted to come out at work. I might actually still have a job if I had, since they have a HUGE policy on diversity and gender equality. One of those things where you could lose your job without warning for being negative against LGBTQ. Pretty amazing for Muncie, Indiana. It is a college, though.

    Best of luck! We are here for you!!

    • I’m super lucky that the college where I work has gender identity in its discrimination clause…the state I’m in (AZ) most surely does not. What a great stance on LGBTQ issues/diversity that school took!

      • Bravo for them! Ball State (where I worked) is in the heart of bible country in Muncie, Indiana. Full of conservatives, but the underlying tie is that the artistic community, and most of the educated people, are all connected with diversity and complete acceptance. Acceptance is way different from tolerance. Despite the way the city operates, BSU has such a strong LGBTQ policy. It’s a breath of fresh air.

  2. I can totally picture you at your lunch standing up and saying something. Even though I have known u as a quiet shy type. The excitement that u feel is felt in the words u post here. I believe just with any situation that when the time is right u will know. Your gut will tell you its time. Your timing maybe different from others but no matter what you do and when you do it, you will be ok. This is your journey though it has similarities to others its unique to you. If that makes sense. Your an amazing person in my eyes :0) everything will happen just how and when its suppose to. Your the best! Xoxo

  3. I am glad I found your blog, I truly understand what it is like to be transitioning, waiting for surgery and trying to find the right time to tell. I work as a teacher and have already lost one job after telling them I am trans. It’s a tough road.
    Much support from a old British summer.

    • It saddens me to think someone lost their job over being who they are. But on the brightside maybe there is a better journey ahead for u. I look at things happen for a reason and though that tends to piss some people off. Good or bad I believe its true. I hope ur new journey for employment finds u in a less ignorant group of people.

  4. It’s so weird, isn’t it? I sit at my desk and I almost literally vibrate with energy. Only I have no timeline in sight — if ever. Still, the heart wants to tell, to sing.

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