“Mirror, mirror on the wall…”
What do you see when you look in the mirror? Okay, beyond the obvious. What do you see when you really look, deep into yourself? A good person? Someone you’re proud of? Someone you like, or even better, love?
For all of my life (no, really, no exaggeration here), I’ve absolutely and utterly hated who and what I see when I look into the mirror. So much so that I frequently made it a point to not look into the mirror, and most especially never look myself in the eyes—the pain was just too great. I’ve never seen myself as attractive, or worthy, or someone to be proud of, or really anything remotely positive. Part of this is due to struggling with an eating disorder and the accompanying body image and self-worth issues since the age of ten (and yes, it is still a constant daily struggle, but improving). Yet, as I’ve come to realize, another part of this is feeling like some sort of alien in my own body pertaining to my perceived gender. Who knows how much of the gender/body dysmorphia is from the eating disorder and who knows how much of it is from the gender issues. I’m incredibly happy to note that, as of late (pretty much since I made the decision to transition), it seems to be improving. Over the past few weeks, I’ve taken the plunge and begun to sneak glances at myself in the mirror here and there. And over the past few weeks, what I’ve been seeing has been changing…and it’s scaring the shit out of me, but is utterly exciting at the same time. No longer am I seeing myself as a female. Which sounds crazy, because that’s evidently who and what I am on the outside. But when I look at myself now, more often than not, I can actually see myself in a male form. I don’t just envision and imagine and dream about what I’ll look like once I start hormones, but that I actually belong as male. It really is crazy as I’ve never EVER seen myself like that, even years and years ago when I hated my feminine curves and wanted top surgery. Seeing myself as male, or at least somewhat male (it’s hard to see myself as fully male when I look down and see my chest), and liking myself as male, has begun to solidify the decision to transition in my head.
Yet every now and then, the voices of doubt creep into my head, and sometimes it’s difficult to silence them—after all, a full transition is a really big deal and something that isn’t really reversible. And before making such a dramatic change, I want to feel comfortable knowing that it is indeed what’s right for me. And 99% of the time, I absolutely do. But that other 1% of the time, when the doubt creeps in, can be downright terrifying. For those of you out there who are farther along in this process, how did you know? How did you silence your doubts and reservations? This little voice that pops up sometimes certainly isn’t going to stop me from transitioning, because at the end of the day, it is absolutely what I want. But I would like to shut that voice up before I start this physical process.
Posted on July 10, 2011, in General transition thoughts and tagged body image, dysmorphia, eating disorder, female 2 male, female to male, ftm, gender, gender expression, gender identity, glbtq, lgbtq, tg, tg/ts, trans, transgender, transition, transitioning, transsexual, ts, ts/tg. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.