9 weeks

What will I be doing in the next 9 weeks (until August 31st, to be exact)?  I’ll be going to work 45 times, sleeping past 8:00 am on 18 days, taking over 1 million breaths, and showering over 60 times.  I’ll also probably watch enough TV to last three whole days, spend close to 400 hours online for work and for fun, and read several books.  I’ll celebrate my 25th birthday, spend time with family and friends, and get tan (and sweaty) in the Arizona heat.  But I’ll also wake up over 60 times, look in the mirror, and hate what I see.  Over 60 times, I’ll check the weather in the morning and debate if it’s too hot to wear a binder to hide my breasts (trust me, it is), and then become dejected that I have to spend yet another day with them visible for all the world to see.   I’ll spend countless hours fidgeting with my clothes at work, wishing they could fit my body as I want them too–or, more accurately, wishing my body could fit them as I want it to.  I’ll see men in popular culture–TV, magazines, newspapers (hell, even video games–Tiger Woods PGA Tour ’12 to be exact)–and wonder what it’s like to have coarse skin, a five o’clock shadow, and an appendage dangling between your legs.  I’ll spend each week and each day counting down until the moment where the journey to me, who and what I truly am, will hopefully begin.

In 9 weeks, I have an appointment scheduled for a consult for top surgery.  For those of who you are unaware or unfamiliar, that’s when you get your breasts fully removed.  Don’t think for a second that I’m not counting down, day by day.  I’ve been wanting top surgery for as long as I can remember, even years ago when I identified as female.  But let me back up first…

…My name is Tracy and I’m 24, and while I don’t label myself as transgender, technically, I am–my plan is to transition from female to male (ftm).  I plan to blog along the way, mainly using this as a way to document my experiences as I make the physical, mental, and emotional transition from what I consider to be female to what I consider to be female male.  Ideally, I’d love to have a movie crew (or even one person with a camcorder) follow me around 24/7 to document everything, but given that’s not really too plausible, I’m left with this option.  So along with written ramblings, I’d love to supplement some of these posts with some pictures and videos, especially after I start hormones and some of the physical changes begin to take effect, and after top surgery.  I think in the future, I’ll appreciate having a medium like this to be able to go to and see pictures and thoughts from my former self, and the stages of the transition that I went through.

A little bit about me:

I came out as a lesbian in high school/college, but never really gave my gender identity much thought.  I never really felt like a “real” female, but was too young, naive, and scared (okay, mostly scared) to allow myself to consider any other alternative gender labels or expressions.  As I progressed through grad school, I became more involved with my current partner, Alex (who is also ftm).  It was he who helped give me the strength and sense of security I needed to explore my gender identity, and I’ve finally been able to be honest and true to myself and allow myself to travel down the path that I need to take to make my physical appearance match who I am on the inside.  I could go on about this for some time, but for brevity’s sake, I won’t.  Basically, when it comes down to it, very simply, I identify much more as male/masculine than female/feminine, and am finally allowing myself to take the steps I need to be happy with who I am.

In the past year, I’ve gradually been changing my appearance (somewhat unconsciously and not all too purposefully) from more feminine to more masculine.  I’ve cut my hair and begun to wear men’s clothing, two things that have made me feel more at ease–I no longer feel like an imposter playing dress up or doing drag.  The only problem now is my breasts–hence the want and need for top surgery.  Besides my physical shape (which can be somewhat hidden), breasts are a huge giveaway when somebody sees me, and I abhor them.  To me, getting rid of them will signify the real beginning of my transition, and I can’t wait.

The other somewhat-important part of this transition is my family.  While Alex is 100% supportive (well, that’s not even the word–excitedly anticipating my transition is more like it…super cute, if you ask me), my parents currently seem a bit indifferent.  They’ve both known about my sexuality for years, and are very supportive.  They also know about Alex’s transition and have been incredibly supportive of that as well.  However, when it’s your own kid making these changes, things can easiliy different.  My parents, especially my mom, and I have always have a somewhat tumultuous relationship since I was a young child.  It’s taken us years, but we finally have a good and loving relationship.  I recently brought up the subject of transitioning to her, and while she did voice her support, part of her seemed a bit distant.  I’m not sure if that’s because she was taken aback, surprised, sad, or something in between.  So I’m not entirely sure how she and my dad truly feel, but part of me doesn’t care.  I will (and mentally already have) begin this journey either way—I have to.

For other details about me (personal life, family, work, etc., check out my “About” page).

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Posted on June 30, 2011, in General transition thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. I support you, T-Pain!! I’m so excited for you and Al!!

  2. Hi Tracy. Thanks for your comment on my blog, it’s good to know someone is reading my ramblings. Seems like you are just a bit “behind me” in transitioning. It’s a scary road, but one that must be taken, right? My top surgery will hopefully be somewhere in (early) summer 2012, but that’s not certain yet.
    Anyway, I subscribed to your blog, looking forward to reading more. Keep hanging in there, and don’t forget to treasure your supportive partner. I know I do!

    Vince

    • Totally true, it is super scary, but yeah, def. needs to happen! I’m hoping for surgery to be this winter, but that might just be wishful thinking :-). I’ll definitely be following your journey and look forward to reading more too.

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